Here’s my perfect little turkey.

We cook a turkey once a year. This makes it pretty tough to learn from our mistakes and tweak our technique, because by the time turkey time rolls around again I’ve completely forgotten what we even did the previous year. This is worse now that I have lived in a constant state of sleep deprivation for almost two years. What to do?

Step One: Ask Santa for this cookbook:

It rules.

Step Two: Do everything that she says.

Maybe it’s the Virgo in me, but I absolutely love how Pam Anderson’s cookbooks go into great detail about how she arrived at the point of perfection. She goes on for pages explaining what worked, what didn’t work, methods that she tried, ingredients that she used, ah…it makes my heart go pitter pat.

I won’t go into all of the detail of how she arrived at the perfect turkey, but I will share the process that we use to make it happen. Of course we start with a good 10-12 hour brine (integral if you are using a frozen turkey but not so important if your bird is fresh). Then it’s off to the races.

There is a pretty major problem in the world of turkey cooking: in order to get the dark meat up to temp (165 degrees) the white meat suffers scorching temperatures that render it completely dry and overcooked. The solution? Cook your turkey upside down. Seriously. But just for a little while.

Now there are two different methods of using this technique–it depends on the size of the bird you are cooking.

For a 12-14 pound turkey:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Stuff the cavity of the bird with one chopped onion, a chopped carrot, a chopped celery stalk, and two sprigs of fresh thyme along with one tablespoon of butter. Truss turkey if desired.

Scatter the same amount of chopped vegetables in the pan around the turkey and pour one cup of water into the bottom of the pan. (This technique calls for placing the bird on a V-rack.) Place turkey breast side down on the rack. Brush the turkey with 2 Tablespoons of melted butter.

Roast for 45 minutes. Remove pan from oven, close the oven door, and baste turkey with butter. With a whole lot of paper towels in each hand, turn the turkey leg/thigh side up (there is just no graceful way to do this–just go for it and try not to drop the turkey). If water has evaporated, add 1/2 cup more to the pan. Return turkey to oven and roast for 20 minutes. Remove from oven, baste and reuse paper towels to turn the other leg/thigh side right side up. Roast for 20 minutes more. Remove turkey from the oven a final time, baste and turn it breast side up. Roast until a meat thermometer stuck in the leg pit registers 170-175 degrees (30-45 minutes more). Breast temp should register 160-165 degrees. Transfer turkey to a platter and let it rest for 20-30 minutes before carving.

For an 18-22 pound turkey:

It’s pretty much impossible for a large turkey to fit in the oven sideways, so the technique for big birds is a little different. The high temperature will also overcook the bird, so it’s necessary to make some alterations.

Preheat oven to 250 degrees.

Roast turkey, breast side down, for three hours, basting back side every hour or so with butter and adding a bit of water to the vegetables if they look dry. Remove pan from oven, close oven door and baste turkey with butter. With a whole lot of paper towels in each hand, turn the turkey breast side up. Continue to roast for one hour, basting once or twice. With turkey still in oven, increase oven temperature to 400 degrees and roast until skin has browned and a meat thermometer stuck in the leg pit registers 170-175 degrees, about one hour more. Breast should be 160-165 degrees. Transfer turkey to a platter and let rest for 20 to 30 minutes before carving.

NOTE: We make giblet gravy and just use a couple of tablespoons of drippings from the pan. We brine our turkeys so gravy made from drippings alone would be too salty.

So go for it–be brave. Your company will be thoroughly entertained with the whole process and they will be absolutely delighted with how freaking amazing your turkey tastes. Happy Turkey (or Tofurkey) Day!!

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